


If I Were You I'd Be Throwing Up

by deratization (orphan_account)



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon Rewrite, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), M/M, Self-Harm, Super Dangan Ronpa 2 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:09:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27723956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/deratization
Summary: So this is the first time I sat down and actually wrote an entire chapter. I don't know if its good or even readable, but I hope you like it. All feedback - good or bad - is appreciated.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Kudos: 10





	If I Were You I'd Be Throwing Up

As the setting sun disappeared almost entirely behind the horizon, slowly sinking into the dark depth of the ocean, Komaeda was watching the last rays of soft light flicker on the waves. The sky began to darken displaying so many colours, starting with crimson red right above the amber sun, turning into orange, painting fluffy clouds pink, making them look sweet and soft like cotton candy. Higher up he could see hues of purple and even higher it was gradually shifting into navy blue. The sky reminded him of a bruise in different stages of healing. Or gangrene.

“ _Of course_.” He thought, as he imagined dead skin and body tissue in varying phases of decay. “ _To make something so beautiful turn into something so disgusting. Truly befitting a horrible person that I am._ ”

It would seem that even this serene scenery couldn’t stop his self-deprecating thoughts. Nagito buried his bare feet in the warm sand. The sun was barely visible now, giving up place for the moon. It was so quiet, all he could hear was the sound of the waves. Lingering remnants of the day started to lose their warmth, there was a pleasantly cool breeze coming from the ocean. Yet he couldn’t relax. Although he didn’t show it during the class trial, he felt guilty.

But now that he was in solitude, when his only witness was the sky lambent with stars, Nagito could drop the act. The mask of confidence, slight delirium and no regret whatsoever fell on the ground and shattered. There was no way to pick the fragments now and put them together. But it was fine, because only the ocean was watching him, humming softly.

“It should’ve been me.” Nagito said out loud, his voice was small, even if somebody was nearby they wouldn’t be able to hear it. But he was alone. So alone it was painful. “Not Byakuya. And not Teruteru.” He started speaking louder, his voice was shaking a little. “I should’ve been the one who died.” Compared to the ultimates - the embodiments of hope - he found himself unimaginably worthless.

Nagito cursed his rotten luck. Yes, he considered it to be helpful to an extent. However a talent beyond his control wasn’t exactly reliable. Could it even be considered a talent? It seemed to be more of a magnet for trouble and disasters with just a tiny little sprinkle of good fortune in between.

“ _But that’s what I wanted, isn’t it? To start the killing game. To see this incredible hope, shining so bright it was almost blinding._ ” If only everything went according to the plan he would be dead now, killed by Teruteru. Yet he was very much alive at the moment, overly conscious of the heaviness in his chest and the thoughts spiraling inside his head.

The realisation that he was responsible for his friends’ deaths… _Friends?_ No, not at all. How could he call them friends after all he’s done? And he was sure that there wasn’t even one person in the entire world that considered him their friend. The realisation that he was responsible for deaths of people full of hope made him want to vomit. He was disgusted by himself.

White-haired boy lifted up his hands, expecting to see blood on pale skin, he was prepared to look at the substance, red and dried, wrapping his fingers like some kind of a gross blanket. Well, wasn’t he just like the cruel Lady Macbeth. Manipulating someone into committing murder. Having hands stained with blood and mind stained with guilt. “Ah, how unexpectedly poetic of you, Komaeda” he scoffed at himself.

He stood up slowly, put on his shoes and got rid of most of the sand that had gotten onto his trousers. Nagito watched grains of sand fall, joining others on the beach. They were so little, so insignificant. Just like him. He felt like he was this tiny, totally unnecessary grain of sand. If he really was one he probably would get inside someone's sock and annoy them all day. Not that he had to turn into sand to bother other people.

It got dark and it was time to go back to his cottage. With a little bit of luck, which shouldn’t be a problem for The Ultimate Lucky Student, everyone was already in their rooms getting ready for, probably, a long and sleepless night. He wasn’t prepared to face them again. With guilt ruthlessly haunting his mind, Nagito walked away from the still warm sand and peaceful ocean.

All the regrets followed him like a dark shadow, sitting on his shoulders, so heavy it made him slouch. He was well aware that getting away from this overwhelming burden was impossible, but he decided not to give up yet. Maybe the time will come when his miserable existence will prove useful for the remaining ultimates. He still could become their stepping stone on the path to hope.

When Nagito finally arrived at the door of his cottage utterly drained of energy. Making his way to the bed seemed to be an impossible task. Somehow he managed to do that, throwing his coat and shoes on the floor in the meantime. As his body sank into the soft mattress, his mind started slowly sinking too. Drowning in the vast sea of despair.

Despite being so unbelievably tired, he found himself unable to fall asleep. Tormented by guilt he just laid in his dark room. His chest was heavy, he could barely breathe. Nagito wanted to tear his hair out. He felt like this would help ease his mental agony. But it was too much of a bother, taking his hand up to his head, gripping a strand of white hair and pulling hard enough to rip it out required the energy that his fatigued body didn’t have.

So he kept laying motionless until his skin started itching. When the itching has gotten to the point of being beyond unbearable he had to scratch his arm. Nagito dragged his nails along his pale skin, leaving long red marks on it. This little movement was exhausting. But iIt wasn’t enough, the itching didn’t stop.

“ _I deserve this. For being such a disgusting piece of thrash._ ” His mind just gave birth to many, oh so many, self-loathing thoughts. Nagito was brimming with plenty of ideas how to hurt himself right now. “ _I deserve to be punished._ ”

He knew that this was illogical, but subjecting himself to a great amount of physical pain seemed like the only way to make his psychological suffering go away. And it was totally irrational. It could distract him from all the noise inside his head for a few minutes at best. And then there would be just more aching and hurting. So pointless, yet so appealing. Atmosphere in his room became somber.

Nagito tried to get up, but he realised he’s not able to. It felt like someone was sitting on his chest, pinning his limbs to the bed. No one was there, of course. Not even a sleep paralysis demon wanted to keep him company. He let out a sigh, once again reminded of his lonesome existence. It was no use fighting with this invisible force. As it held his weary body down, Nagito’s mind became covered with drowsy haze. Everything lacked definition. All the sharp edges of furniture in his room seemed more soft now, shades of gray and black blurred together. A few moments later he fell asleep.

In contrary to his mental state the dream was nice, filled with warm sunlight and the taste of green tea. It wasn’t a particularly interesting dream. Nothing really happened and this idleness was certainly welcome. In his dream Nagito lead an utterly normal, boring and talentless life. No more cruel luck playing sick jokes on him and no more killing games. It was just so blissfully ordinary.

Then came the dreadful morning and with it Monokuma’s morning announcement. _Ding dong, bing bong_ \- it was time to get up and greet another day.

Nagito’s stomach turned at the thought of eating breakfast. At the thought of stares he was going to get, judging and full of hate. Fully deserved, in his opinion. Maybe they hated him so much that someone was willing to kill him now? “That would be nice.” Nice? There was something very wrong with thinking about being murdered as something nice, desired, _pleasant._

Before going out he tried to do something about his disheveled appearance, but wasn’t particularly successful at doing so. He stopped caring about his looks quite some time ago, but he thought that the others might give him slightly less disgusted stares, if he didn't look like he spent last night in a trash can. Nagito quickly looked at himself in the mirror before opening the door of his cottage. White hair stayed messy, even more than usual, he was pretty sure some strands were defying gravity. This will have to do. There wasn’t much more he could do to make himself more presentable anyway.

Kazuichi and Nekomaru were waiting in front of his cottage. “ _Well, that's rather unexpected. Why are they here?_ "

“Hello, Nekomaru, Kazuichi, it’s nice to see you!” He made sure to put on the brightest smile he could at the moment. “What brings you here? I guess you’re not seeking the company of a lowly person like myself.” He giggled as if he just told them a funny joke.

“Umm, hi, Nagito.” Kazuichi tried to sound friendly and relaxed. “We’re here to… um, definitely not to do anything suspicious!” Pink-haired boy scratched the back of his neck nervously.

“Yeah, it totally is not suspicious at all!” Nekomaru agreed. “We wanted to ask you something, Nagito. “Would you-”

Nagito gasped suddenly, interrupting the other boy. It looked like he just had a genius idea.  
“Are you here to kill me, perhaps? Is that it? I’ll gladly cooperate then!” His voice was filled with excitement. Finally he could be useful. “Do you have a plan ready? If not give me some time, I’ll come up with something. But given the events of last night I don’t think that it’s going to be anything great.”

“It’s not like that! We…” Kazuichi tried to explain, but Nagito wasn’t listening at all, still talking about being killed. Then he started rambling about hope and talent. It seemed that Nekomaru has had enough, because the last thing Nagito remembered, before the world turned black, was The Ultimate Team Manager raising his fist.

Nagito was laying on the floor, his head hurting. He looked around, confused. Fright ran down his spine, when he realised that he was mere inches away from the place, where Byakuya died in order to save him. He felt an ice-cold snake move inside his stomach.

"Do you want me to die like him? Oh, the irony of it would be sweet!"

"No, you idiot. We tried to explain that we're not going to kill you, but you just wouldn't listen." Nekomaru hoped that Nagito understood him this time. "It's just… We think it would be best to keep you away for some time. For everyone's safety."

"Oh, so I'm not going to die today. What a pity."

Kazuichi was trying Nagito's hands behind his back. His own were shaking, their moves uncertain. At the same time Nekomaru wrapped his lanky legs with rope, doing a much better job than his pink-haired friend. Nobody said anything. It was awkward to say the least.

"We'll, we're going to leave you here for now. Um, if you need anything I'm pretty sure Usami'll help if you call her." Team manager said after he made sure that the knots he tied were secure enough. Then both Nekomaru and Kazuichi left embarrassed.

He couldn't help but laugh. Nagito imagined himself being all tied up before, but in a slightly different situation. Definitely not at the crime scene in the middle of a killing game.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first time I sat down and actually wrote an entire chapter. I don't know if its good or even readable, but I hope you like it. All feedback - good or bad - is appreciated.


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